What Do You Want Tia Marie

I guess we all want a lot of things..

But what do we really need? Quite recently I began to ask myself this question… What do I really want out of life. Obviously, the whole balance thing came to mind..

Faith, Fitness, Family, Friends, Finance, and Fun.. The six f’s I learned in “Bible College”..

But what did I really want out of life. I have had several people telling me what I need out of life, but really.. What do “I” want.

I feel like people can try to tell you what you need all day long, but until you actually sit down and start thinking about it… You kind of just rattle off what you think people want to hear..

Ya know, the nice job.. nice house… nice family.. Blah blah blah.. Stereotypical.

But what do you really want?

Even the word’s God’s Will can become a cliche set of misdirected energy if you’re not careful..

It’s currently almost 10:57 pm and I’m sitting at my keyboard after two wonderful little adolescents woke me up with their screaming..

I wouldn’t say I am in a bad mood per say, but I would say my mind is alert and active and zeroing in on this question..

What do I really want.?

I want freedom. I want the ability to love what I do without losing the balance of priorities. I want to not be so irritable and on edge that I snap at the ones I love when the business doesn’t go my way. I want to be able to honestly say I love someone other than myself. I want to get the number of the really intriguing individual I met this afternoon while viewing a loft.. I want a sushi from Sakura and a night drive with EDM music by myself.. I want a campfire and to be around people that I really know care about me. I want close friendships that mean the world.. I want truth. I want light. And by God I want Life.

So why do I feel like I’m limited at times? Why do I feel fear creeping in whenever I attempt to step out of comfort zone and try something new? Like this old religious voice coming in my soul saying, “You better step back. God’s not pleased with you if you do that…You’re just going to end up lost and you’ll reap His punishment”..

Contradictory to what the Bible says about God, but taught so frequently..

So Christians don’t smoke weed right? Coffee cool. But rap music no way?

Lottery tickets occasionally but forget going out to dance.

What is real and what is manmade? Is something that everyone seems to struggle with?

Maybe I’m getting off track.. But back to the main question.. What do I really want?

So is a want a need? No.

So why should I base my life around things that I want rather than what I need.

Because it feels good. Because these certain things will make me smile and give me that glow that I’ve had since I left the lofts today. Why a glow? I don’t know.. Maybe the visit reminded me that I’m not dead yet and I’m not a nun either.

Maybe it reminded me that it’s okay to open up again. That there is hope for something super awesome that I never saw before and that I don’t need to fit in this mold of what “civilized Christian society” is telling me I need to bow down to to have a “functional relationship with God”..

Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe this is the beginning sign of “drifting”.. That’s what the “leaders” would say right..

You’re not reading your Bible for an hour a day! BAD

You’re not listening to only Christian music! BAD

You’re watching a vampire show with your child! BAD

You’ve been wearing your hair down to church! BAD

Are these things really true? Or is just man trying to fit where only God can be..

So what do I really want?

I want the truth. I want to feel God’s gnawing so deep in my soul that emotional manipulation and false guilt don’t have a spot in my heart or in my mind. I want to be able to enjoy things the way that I was before the PTSD hit so hard. I want to smile and I want to glow.. Even if it’s not the way the sophisticated members of high society Christianity think I should be operating.

I also don’t want people to count the number of times I say Jesus in my song and tell me I’m not a Christian if I don’t say it enough..

But I want Jesus. I want to know Him more. I want to please Him. I want to understand who He is and how He wants me to be. I want to obey Him and I want to be the creation that He looks down and smiles at.. But what does He really want? No fake nails. No makeup. No Led Zepplin.

Or does He just want me? My heart. My love. My time. My care. My obedience to His greatest commands.

Am I messing it up, or am I just growing in my understanding of who He really is rather than who western civilized society has made Him out to be…. Am I wrong?

Come on now..

What do we really want?

A relationship with God? Or a relationship with man?

I don’t know anymore.